To Walk or Not To Walk: That is the Question

It’s the time of year for Farm Sanctuary’s Walk for Farm Animals again. Last year Tom and I were so excited to do our part for such a wonderful organization. We signed up and raised a lot of money. This year we questioned whether we should participate at all.

What a difference a year makes. Last August I started this blog (Happy Belated Birthday, The “V” Word) and my life couldn’t have been busier. I was preparing for a new semester of teaching college courses and I was working on my diet, having lost 87 lbs. at that time (113 the last time I saw a scale).

More importantly, Tom and I were on a mission to improve our lives and finally reach for the brass ring we both felt we earned and deserved. After having recently been through so many hard times including losing my entire family, having to make the worst decision of my life and end the life of my 14-year old baby, Poochie, and missing a year of work due to a herniated disk, Tom and I were ready to begin our lives anew. We rescued Benoni from a shelter and worked hard to rehabilitate him because he was so traumatized. Tom and I got engaged and eloped to North Carolina, with Benoni as our Best Man. Tom finished his 2nd Masters Degree and enrolled in a Doctoral program; I had tenure, a promotion and was back at work.

We became Vegans, lost a lot of weight and were at the peak of health. The story of my health transformation was published on the web site “Christina Cooks” and will also be in a chapter of a book about Veganism and health to be published soon. I rid myself of a dozen ailments and every single medication.

We joined Vegan groups and got involved in many activities: marches, protests, parades, lectures, cooking competitions, picnics and fundraising for organizations. All we cared about was spreading the Vegan message and being a part of this new group of friends we made, people who shared our Vegan values. We were invited to personal parties and events and we tried to attend as many things as we could given our busy work schedules.

Last year, we made our first attempt at fundraising for Farm Sanctuary’s Walk for Farm Animals. I pledged to donate one dollar for every pound I lost and several of us donated to each other to help increase the fundraising. Tom and I ended up not only reaching our goal but surpassing it. At the Walk, a member of Farm Sanctuary we had become friends with told us he had heard a lot of good things about us and how important we had become to the movement. I remember leaving that Walk feeling like I was not only a part of a great cause but also part of a great group of people. We felt proud, happy and had a sense of belonging.

As part of our “improve our lives” plan, Tom and I also decided to move to a bigger apartment in a better neighborhood. Even while we were busy preparing for the move which was the day after Thanksgiving, we volunteered a 2nd time for a Vegan cooking competition and spent the entire day cooking and that evening serving food, cleaning up and washing dishes. We would have done anything to help our new friends further such a great project.

Well, as many people know, moving didn’t turn out well for us. Long story short, our broker lied to us about the apartment and the building and we have since been involved in neighbor disputes and lawsuits with the landlord/management company (read “Terror on Garth Road” for details). By January, the stress had gotten so bad I was having chest pains and was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. That was the beginning of half a dozen hospitalizations and emergency room visits. In February an ambulance was called to my job when I got sick while teaching a class and I have not been able to return to work since.

Meanwhile, no longer able to stay in our apartment due to the noise and the threats, Tom and I went upstate in late April and except for 10 days in May (which landed me back in the emergency room), we have not lived in our own apartment since. We have moved from one furnished rental to another, carrying only our most essential items with us. Through it all, Tom has been struggling to juggle work (he has missed so much, his job is in jeopardy), graduate school, taking care of me, taking me to doctors’ appointments, taking care of Benny, fighting with landlords and lawyers, and trying to find us a new place to live, both short- and long-term. We are struggling financially and we are devoid of social support.

Doctors have not yet figured out what is wrong with me but my health has deteriorated. Now I have bad days and worse days. On bad days, I have trouble breathing and palpitations, I’m shaky and weak and I get dizzy. On worse days, I am bedridden, unable to function much and sometimes unable to speak properly. I don’t sleep well and sometimes “zone out” in the middle of a meal or conversation. So far the only things doctors have found is that I have a small internal carotid aneurysm which they do not believe is causing my symptoms (so it’s just a bonus find) and that many of my hormone levels are out of whack. So they are treating that while the search continues with more specialists and more tests to figure out the enigma I’ve become (paging Dr. House).

Since the end of July, Tom and I have been staying at a horrible hotel in Manhattan at the expense of the landlord/management company. It is as loud here as it was at our apartment. The cruel irony is that I’m “living” in the city of my dreams but I’m too sick to enjoy it. Most days I can’t even walk Benny by myself. I stay in bed and stare at the city outside my window. When I do go out, I clutch onto Tom to steady me. The new fall semester began today; it is my 10 year anniversary of being hired as full-time faculty but I am not there to celebrate it. I miss going to work, even the long commute. I miss my students terribly; I miss the difference I know I make in their lives.

I miss going to my favorite restaurants like Sacred Chow and Curly’s Vegetarian Lunch. I miss going to Meetup events, protests, marches and this year we missed the Veggie Pride Parade.

There is something else I miss too: people. I miss people because for some reason so many of them have disappeared. I lost my mother and nephew 4 years ago, my in-laws have never liked me and haven’t even acknowledged my illness or inquired as to how I’m doing. There are friends I lost for reasons I don’t even understand. Six years ago when my friend was ill with cancer, I was at her bedside every other day, for her and for her family. I was there for her last rites and for her funeral. Her family appreciated that so much and called me their “3rd daughter.” Then they got angry with me when I couldn’t attend a few events they had because I was too depressed (losing my family is not healing easily). I’ve since written to tell them how ill I am; I got a short reply of “sorry to hear that. Hope you recover” and nothing since. I don’t understand that at all and it hurts terribly.

And the people that Tom and I met when we got involved in Vegan activities? Well, it now feels like we only mattered when we were actively volunteering or raising money. At first, I got a few short “sorry to hear you’re ill” emails and a few comments on Facebook but even those have pretty much stopped. There are no calls or emails to ask how I’m feeling or whether there is anything anyone can do to help. When Tom posted how scared he is to lose me, the only response he got was from someone we’ve never met. It feels like we were wrong to think that just because we were active in a group, that we were actual friends with the people in the group. Even that guy who told us how impressed he was by our activism last year at the walk has not uttered a word since all this trouble began.

The people who give us the greatest support are mainly people on Facebook that we have never even met or have only met once or twice. One of them even got me an immediate appointment with a top neurosurgeon. We appreciate their concern and support more than I can put into words. They keep us from totally losing faith in people.

And as if we were not going through enough, Tom went back to the apartment to get us some clothes and the lock to our door was jammed. It appears someone superglued it and we have not been able to access our own things for over a month. Then we recently discovered that someone had fraudulently requested a “replacement” for one of our credit cards and maxed out the card with cash advances and charges. An investigation has since shown that this is all pointing to one of our “neighbors” who hatched a revenge plot that is now a major federal criminal case.

And just two days ago, Tom and Benny were involved in a 5-car accident (thank G-d they weren’t hurt, though Tom has some back pain). The hits just seem to keep on coming and the bad stuff keeps piling on. And through it all, Tom and I feel more and more frustrated, assaulted and alone.

When the announcement for Farm Sanctuary’s Walk for Farm Animals came out, of course we registered immediately and started a fundraising page but then we started to wonder whether we should expend what little is left of our energy (and perhaps, time) on this project. All through this hell, we have remained what is called “armchair activists.” We maintained our Veganism, even when we were living in the woods with none of the Vegan conveniences we had gotten so used to, we continued to spread the Vegan message and education to anyone who would listen, we visited a sanctuary on one of my better days, we leave leaflets wherever we go, we donate more than we can afford to various causes, I keep my blog going no matter how bad I feel and Tom is already planning his 2nd library display for Vegetarian and Vegan Awareness Month at his job.

So we had to examine this closely – why our reluctance to fundraise for the Walk this year? After all, Farm Sanctuary is a sacred place. They do the work of angels, rescuing and rehabilitating animals that have only known cruelty and have narrowly escaped death. Though we have never been there, we love Farm Sanctuary. We are members, we have sponsored animals and we have met Gene Baur (whom I promised a story to and I will do that, I swear).

Part of it might be that we don’t think we’ll be able to raise a lot of money this year, especially since I’m not at work, bedridden a lot and we are very isolated. But we know that every dollar counts so that can’t be the answer.

Part of it might be the very real possibility that I won’t be physically able to walk in the Walk this year but I’m betting I can be accommodated even if I have to do the “walk” with Tom pushing me in a wheelchair so that can’t be the answer.

If we are going to be totally honest, we have to admit that there is only one real reason why we feel a reluctance to be a part of the Walk this year and that is because we feel so hurt, rejected and disappointed in people. Where is the compassion that everyone talks about? Is there none for me, none for Tom?

We are essentially homeless, I am seriously ill, we are struggling financially since we both missed so much work, our jobs are in jeopardy, we were just victims of credit card fraud and Tom and Benny were in a 5-car accident and yet there are very few people offering us any help. How were we so important last year and this year, we feel as if we might as well not exist?

The great psychologist, Albert Ellis, said people should not place expectations on others of what they would do if the situation were reversed. I know that is true but I also know that if anyone needed anything, Tom and I would be there in an instant offering to help. Yet, here we are, struggling to make it through each day, and we are isolated, feeling abandoned by many of the people who call themselves family and friends.

So we realize our reluctance to participate in and fundraise for this year’s Walk is because we are hurt and angry and disappointed with so many of the people in our lives. We feel like we are stranded in the middle of the ocean and it’s hard to think about helping others when we ourselves are drowning.

But then we step back and remember that this Walk is not about those people; it’s not about people at all. It’s not even about us. It’s about the animals and helping Farm Sanctuary to help the animals and that is all that matters.

We have to participate in the Walk because we must help the animals. We will not stand by and let them suffer without doing everything we possibly can to help. We need to “be the change we wish to see in the world.” Especially now, we need to keep compassion at the forefront of our minds, our hearts and our lives.

If we have to go through the entire Walk with Tom pushing me in a wheelchair, then that is what we will do. And we hope that people will find it in their hearts to sponsor us, no matter how small a donation, so that we can feel that sense of purpose and accomplishment again, so we can know there is still something we can do for the animals no matter what is happening to us. Because no matter how much Tom and I are going through, it pales in comparison to what farm animals endure.

To Walk or Not to Walk: that is the question. In the end, helping the animals is the only answer.

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Thank you.