The Kindness of Strangers

I have a confession to make. There was a time when I didn’t believe one could develop meaningful relationships, find true friendship or love on the Internet. Granted, I’m suspicious by nature and my degree in Forensic Psychology doesn’t help that one bit. As far as I was concerned, socializing on the Internet was for introverts, “Trekkies” playing video games in their parents’ basement and an assorted bunch of perverts, predators and serial killers. I felt this way even though I teach half a dozen distance-learning classes every year and make an impact on hundreds of students that I never meet. However, several experiences over the past few years have changed the way I feel about all of this.

In 1999, I became very ill with an autoimmune disorder that presented with a horrible array of symptoms, made worse by their visibility on my body. I was covered with huge hives and welts that no medicine could calm. My eyes, lips and joint tissues swelled to the point that I was actually sent home from work because I was too deformed to look at. My hair was falling out. Doctors did test after test and prescribed one medication after another but nothing helped and they had no answers. Feeling alone and helpless, I turned to the Internet and found a support group for people with similar symptoms. Finally, I had other people who understood what I was going through; other people who were also hiding out from the world, alone with their facial swelling and raging skin. They suggested taking Lysine in high doses and avoiding foods with MSG, artificial colors and preservatives and amazingly, it helped. People I had never met were able to offer what no doctor or prescription had.

A couple of years later, a woman who lives in my neighborhood told me about a blind date she went on with a guy she “met” on the Internet. I went all “profiler” on her and yelled at her – how could she just go and meet some stranger and not tell anyone his name or where she was going, what if she never showed up again, what if he was a rapist or murderer??? The guy didn’t turn out to be a serial killer but he was a jerk and this didn’t help my opinion of Internet relationships one bit. I suggested she give someone all the information about where she was going and who she was going with if she went out on another blind date. She suggested I go visit the web site and look at the guy’s profile. That weekend I was bored. I tried to look at the guy’s profile but the web site wouldn’t let me unless I filled one out first. I did, after all I was bored. Yes, there were a lot of jerks on the site but it turned out to be where I met Tom, my best friend, my Prince Charming, my husband.

When my angel, Poochie, died from cancer in 2006, I thought I would not survive. She was my guardian, my heartbeat, my reason. Poochie had come to me during a dark period of my life and she gave me a purpose. She saved my life repeatedly but I could not do the same for her. Deafened by the silence and smothered by the emptiness in the house, I sat at the computer for hours on end. I created pages on Critters and Dogster to honor her, made photo and video montages and lit virtual candles for her. Then I found Petloss.com and once again, people I had never met came to my rescue.

Petloss.com is a web site created by a man named Ed who has since made running the web site his full-time job. The site has discussion boards and a 24-hour chat room that always has someone available to talk. These helpers (or “wolves” as they are called on the site) offer counsel, support and will even make beautiful tribute pages with photos and music for people mourning their furbabies.

Every Monday night at 10 p.m. (EST), there is a candle lighting ceremony that happens all over the world. It has become well known and has been featured in newspapers and magazines. The ceremony is held in the chat room on Petloss.com and hundreds of people come together to pray and light candles. Three candles are lit: one for the furbaby you lost, one for those who are ill or have gone on to Rainbow Bridge and the third is for all the “abused, abandoned and forgotten animals, who gave their lives for others, for research and as a result of humankind’s inhumanity.” After the prayers, people stay in the chat room to give to and receive support from each other. Petloss.com was a haven to me amidst all the people in my “real world” who were telling me to “get over it” and “get another dog.” These “strangers” cried with me, validated my grief, and helped give me strength to survive. Three years later, I never miss a Monday night candle lighting ceremony, although Tom and I do them privately now. I don’t visit the site as much as I should because it makes me sad but I am comforted to know that my friends at Petloss.com are always there for me if I need them.

In the same summer I lost Poochie, I also lost what remained of my family. Granted, they were not good relationships; I am a survivor of abuse but they were still my family. I never had many friends and the two best friends I had were gone – one to cancer at age 37 and the other to a stupid argument (we have since reconciled). All I had in the world was Tom. Missing my dog, I found myself on Petfinder looking at all the dogs who needed a home but I wasn’t ready to open my heart again. Then I saw the face that changed my mind and on October 27, 2006 Benoni came home to help heal my heart. The two men who are the loves of my life – I found both of them on the Internet!

                     

Then there is my weight loss journey. At this time, I am 8 lbs. away from my 100 lb. loss milestone. When I started Weight Watchers (this time around) I went to the meetings but then I herniated a disk in my back that left me immobile. So I used the WW Online Tools instead, especially the discussion boards. When I went veg, I started posting on the Vegetarian Board (or the VB as we call it) and found another group of people who would become my friends. The women on the VB are there for each other every single day. We talk about our struggles with food, vegetarianism and Veganism, and our personal problems. We share recipes and advice; we tell jokes and chat about day-to-day stuff. When someone is ill, we arrange and send care packages. My online friends were the first to sponsor me in Farm Sanctuary’s Walk for Farm Animals. Last summer, when I went down another size and complained about having nothing to wear, one of the women on the VB, a woman I have never met yet have become extremely close to, sent me a package filled with trousers and pants – beautiful clothes in brand names I have never bought for myself. When I wear them, I think of her and our Blessed friendship.

The VB offers encouragement and support, hugs and vibes, touching each other with keystrokes that can be as strong and comforting as any human arms I have ever known. One of the women on the VB and I text each other and/or speak on the phone almost everyday. When I wrote about feeling depressed and alone the past few weeks, another woman on the VB started a “love thread” for me and I opened it to read post after post from these wonderful people all over the country, telling me how much I inspire them and how they wish me love and comfort. It brought tears to my eyes, especially when the people who are in my non-virtual life, who call themselves my “friends,” offered nothing and turned their backs on me. Yet again, I learned that true friendship doesn’t have to happen in the physical realm.

Since Tom and I did not know any vegetarians or vegans, we joined a couple of groups on Meetup.com, which has led us to meet many nice people with similar interests and values. We have been involved in animal advocacy, gone to talks, jazz bars and potlucks. The Internet introduced us to people we shared holiday dinners with since we have no family. We are honored to be a part of Veggie Conquest and Farm Sanctuary’s Walk for Farm Animals. Lastly, I must give Facebook some credit. I resisted creating a Facebook page, still stubbornly clinging to my resistance to social networking but the VB started a group so I joined. I have almost 200 “friends,” most of whom I have never met and probably never will. However, in that crowd are a few people who respond when I post about feeling down, call to offer me advice about writing, read and respond to my blog, and offer me the friendship and support that still eludes me in my non-virtual life.

I still think it’s unhealthy to only have friends online and never venture out in the “real world.” I still think the Internet can be a dangerous place and one should always be cautious. But then I look at my life and think about who has been there for me in both good and bad times. I think about who my strongest supporters are and who checks in on me to make sure I’m doing alright and see if I need a shoulder or an ear. I think about where I have found TRUE friendship and love, and I find the strongest links in my life have come from links on the Internet. I think about the kindness of strangers and I am not alone.